I had a really rough day yesterday. I was angry, bitter and full of self-loathing. I know, I’m a yogi so that should never happen, therefore I also felt guilty and even more of a failure. I don’t know whether it was the full moon, the horrible food I ate (I have many food allergies and when I eat something that isn’t good for me, I will have some kind of reaction. In this case, chocolate makes the crazies come out in me.) or the revisiting of demons long past.
Maybe it was a combination of all of them, but it was bad.
Today, I was determined to not give in to those feelings but I felt them creeping in. I visited one of my private clients with mild dementia and it was not a good day for her. I started backsliding.
Instead of giving up, I went to the studio, changed my clothing and put myself on the mat. Stepping into the studio, actually any studio, always makes me slow down and take some deep breaths. It just happens without any conscious thought – a primal gift.
When I don’t know what I need, I start with 18 Surya Namaskaras (Sun Salutations). By the second one, my physical body remembers why I love yoga. By the 6th, I feel myself letting go. By 18, I am me again – inquisitive, open and accepting. Twists and standing poses help me focus more but eventually, I make my way to the backbends. I love backbends. This is still new to me. I am not a naturally bendy yogi. I was asked to leave gymnastics as a child when I couldn’t master cartwheels. Backbends scared me but now, now, I crave them. They let me let go of the negativity and help me to open my heart. This is what I need. This what I crave – even more than chocolate.
Yesterday was rough. Today is a good day Tomorrow, well, I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.