Sand Shifter

I have a joke I’m fond of telling. If you want to make yogis really angry. Go to a really packed weekend workshop but only attend the Sunday session. Get there early and put your mat down in the center of the front row. Watch many of the yogis – who remember are all practicing non-attachment – simultaneously freak out and try desperately to not look like they’re freaking out.

I know I have a warped sense of humor but if it’s any consolation, karma has sunk its fangs in me. Luckily, in hindsight I appreciate the irony!

I keep saying that I think I’m finally finding my footing and feeling like myself again. Then, the sand shifts again and down I slide. Maybe I’m learning to cha cha?  Two steps forward with one step back? Maybe, though, I was having a much harder time than I realized. Maybe I was depressed – maybe?! – and I am feeling more like myself every time but I was really really bad off in the beginning?  Who knows.

What I do know is that I’m relying on all of my self-care tips and I’m still struggling. Maybe the lesson here is to stop struggling. Admit that I’m having a rough time and then let go of it?  Meditate more but not because I’m trying to become anything but because meditation is good for me. I feel better when I do it. Like, immediately better and leave it at that.

Practice yoga more. It doesn’t have to be a full session. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be on the yoga mat but move more. Play with my balls – I have so many different sizes. YTU balls of every size, Yamuna balls, balls whose names I don’t even know. Practice biomechanics and restorative exercises. It doesn’t have to be a long session but use what I know and move my body how it feels good to move it.

Eat food that supports me, not just food that gives me a sugar /processed food rush. Eat food that is yummy and good for me.

Let go of what I think should be happening. I’m not doing as much as I thought I would by now. The work I’m doing is rough. I’m starting over in so many ways but also don’t fixate on that. I’m starting over but I’m doing it with the love and support of a husband whom I respect, value and love so much.

Treat everyone with kindness. What you put out does come back to you. I always helped people network to find the health care providers, jobs, people they needed. I moved back to Florida and people are doing the same for me. At first, I was uncomfortable with it because I have nothing to offer in return and then I remembered how nice it felt to help people in Chicago. I did it without thinking twice and now the favor is being returned and I’m grateful.

Let go of what I thought my life would be. If you compare your life to fantasy, well that probably won’t go very well. On the other hand, when I look around me, I have so many blessings to count. It took me a long time to get where I am today. It’s not where I thought I would be and it’s not even where I thought I wanted to be – Florida anyone?!  – but I’m amazed that if I sit back and forget about the fantasies, I’m really happy, content and grateful – I know that word is getting a lot of play here.

So many things didn’t work out. So many doors were shut in my face. Thankfully they led me to where I am today and thankfully, I’m able to see that now. For a very long time, I only saw the doors closing so now when another door closes, maybe it won’t bother me quite so much. I’m a yogi who is trying to practice non-attachment. I’m standing on shifting sand, after all.

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